Controlling: Imposing Your Will Upon Others

When we impose our will onto others, we are telling them we want to control them and leave them without a true voice.

Controlling people tend to want to assert their “power” over another and may use intimidation, or manipulation to do so. They may be overbearing or appear domineering in their efforts to manipulate and control another person or situation.

When someone attempts to control another, it may create feelings of anger or resentment. It could even make someone feel embarrassed or even create feelings of inferiority and despair.

We as humans have the right to make our own choices, and that right is a precious one. We grow when we have the freedom to decide our own paths and determine what makes us happy. Yet, there are those who are inclined to try and control others.

This need or desire to control may be driven by insecurity, envy, fear, or the need for power. These people are deeply critical of themselves in their own minds, and underlying that critical nature is unhappiness. Their need to feel sure-footed and secure is quenched by controlling those around them, whether they are friends, colleagues, or even pets. They feel the need to control each situation and have a desire to control the outcome.

Controlling people want to keep you under their thumb.

They tend to take over in any given situation. They have this desire to be up-front and be seen as the most powerful person in the room. This is typically because they feel out of control of their own lives. Something or someone may be in control of them and they feel they must control others in order to gain some control of their own lives. Nearly everyone has found themselves imposing their will upon others at one time or another.

The people we are discussing here do this on a regular basis. They just can’t seem to grasp control of what is controlling them and it can create feelings of fear, anxiety, inferiority or instability in their own lives, and these feelings may cause them to want to control at least something in their lives, even if it is just a pet. Therefore, they tend to try to control everything in hopes that something will work and be controlled by them.

Even those with the best intentions can be controlling. Trying to impose your will on others can be tempting for many reasons. You may feel that your way is the best way or that you have a keener insight into the direction their life should be taking. But, in imposing your will, you are indirectly saying, "I want to control you." Thus, even when you have the best of intentions, others may end up resenting you for your actions. It is always helpful to remember that it is possible to influence people and change their behavior through education or example without imposing your will on them.

If you've caught yourself being a bit bossy on a regular basis, make a note of it. Write down what the situation was and why you acted the way you did. You may have pushed a friend to try something new, because deep inside you wanted to try it yourself but were feeling hesitant. Or you may be unjustly interfering with work teammates because you aren't sure of their abilities. Maybe you are interfering with friends or family because they aren’t doing what you want them to do. Make an effort to understand and accept their preferences and ways of doing things. It may not be exactly the way you want it to be, it may be that it is what’s best for them. People will not always do things exactly as you want them to. It can feel natural to impose your will when you feel that you "know best." But there is freedom in trusting others to find their own methods and joys, even when they might differ from yours. Sometimes the best course of action is to step back and relinquish control. You may, in doing so, see everything from a different point of view.